So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
