Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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