I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
