Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
