I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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