Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
