ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
