Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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