i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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