Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it glows. i had to have it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
