Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
