What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
