I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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