I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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