there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
