he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
