woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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