Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
