Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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