I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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