Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
