I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
