Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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