I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
