I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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