and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
