I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
