Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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