Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
