How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
