I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
