whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
