Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
