Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
