I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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