You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
