When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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