Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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