god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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