Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
