do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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