just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
This is my life. Enjoy the view
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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