Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
