An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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