Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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