Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
