my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
