KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.