Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.