I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
