my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
