Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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