I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
please come you make the beer taste better
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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