why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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