the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
