RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
