I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
